When it comes to BDSM with consenting adults, most people attribute red flags to the Dom.
In many cases, this is the right thing to do....but not always.
Submissive red flags are often swept under the rug, in the kink community.
Instead of realizing there's a problem when it's too late, this post is designed to teach you about the warning signs to look out for.
(Pssssst....download the submissive red flags worksheet here, if you're short on time!)
For those new to D/s dynamics, it's easy to assume a sub sits pretty, and happily responds, "Yes, Sir/Ma'am". Those are both aspects of a submissive's actions, but there's so much more to it, than meets the eye.
Being a submissive isn't simply a role. For some it may be, but a true submissive knows their identity deep in their core. It's literally part of who they are--they have an innate desire to submit to someone.
And that, my friends, is where the similarities end, when it comes to submissives and slaves. There are as many different types-of-subs, as there are types-of-Doms.
We could go over the fun, sweet, and awesome ones. But, that's not what this post is about. Instead we're going to cover the ones you need to watch for...aka the ones with major potential for submissive red flags.
Submissive Red Flags Via Types of subs
Cyber slave/sub: This type of sub has gained all or almost all of their experience from the internet. In other words, they have no real world experience.
This isn't necessarily bad. But, it's something you need to be aware of, especially because of the amount of downright wrong information available online.
You ever have someone in your life that constantly makes you feel sorry for them? This type-of-submissive does exactly that. They're constantly playing "woe is me" cards, and crying abuse or victimization, by someone else.
The biggest thing you'll notice is their inability to take responsibility. It's literally always someone else's fault.
In fact, they'll knowingly put themselves in dangerous situations, and then blame the other part...as if they had no part in it, whatsoever.
Learning from their mistakes never happens. This is mostly because they think they'll lose all the attention they get, from being a victim.
Exactly as it sounds, this type of sub thinks they only need to look good. As in, they absolutely can't wash dishes because they'll run their manicure. Taking out the trash is a no-go because it smells icky, which will make them smell icky, too.
They'll wear an amazing outfit to a munch, only to refuse participating in a scene because "it might mess up their hair". They're the type of person that has to selfie at a gym, or it didn't happen.
Basically, they're into BDSM for the aesthetics/looks--not the actual lifestyle.
This type of sub is into everything. If it's freaky, weird, or unusual, they're into it. In fact, they're constantly searching for the next best kink.
They're not really out for the lifestyle, per se, but more for the thrill of something new. They adore the shock factor, and will give anything a shot once....maybe twice...just to be sure they didn't like it.
These type of subs prefer to find a Dom and make a massive show of commitment, only to leave them, when someone freakier shows up.
Oh yeah--gold diggers aren't just for vanillas. Unfortunately, they sometimes make an appearance in the kinkier side of things, too. They're after a Dom who will pay for everything.
They'll do absolutely anything their Dom wants...until the money runs out. Being spoiled is the name of the game, and this sub expects their Dom to slide their card, for their personal bills, fun bills, and anything else they can think of.
Many will even insist on moving in with their Dom, along with being a stay at home sub--aka no job. After all, if they're working outside of the house, they can't always be serving their Dom!....or so they try to say.
Similar to the Victim sub, this kinkster always has an excuse for everything. They may or may not do what you asked. But, you're sure to find a good excuse about why they didn't do it, if that's the case.
They're borderline lazy, so if you really need someone to do something, this is not the sub for you.
We've all see that person on TV who threatens to sue someone, over something really stupid. Well, this type of persons around in the BDSM world, too.
They'll threaten to call the cops, at the drop of a hat. They may agree to everything in a scene, and take themselves to the ER the next day, claiming you were abusive.
While dangerous in the kink world, this person is super dangerous in the vanilla world, too. Keep your eyes especially peeled, for someone exhibiting these behaviors.
For whatever reason, some people just steal sh*t. I don't know why, or what their motivation, but they unfortunately exist.
These types of subs won't outright steal large things at first. They'll start off slowly, gaining your trust, then rob you blind, like the Grinch on Christmas Eve.
These are just a few of the examples of submissive red flags and types-of-subs to be aware of.
But, please please please keep in mind, these nasty subs are truly in the minority. As in, there are very few, compared to the number of awesome subs.
Every single sub is unique, and has eclectic, or downright quirky traits. That's what makes them awesome! But, if you have a feeling your sub fits one of these red flags, or you know a sub that does, you should consider reevaluating your relationship with them.
Since it can be hard to look at someone with an unbiased view, use these questions as a starting point, to feel them out.
Answer them honestly--write down your first thought. Then, go back and evaluate the way you answered them.
BDSM Questions for Submissives
These questions are designed to cover a variety of situations and levels-of-severity.
Keep in mind, everything is relative. For example, if a sub gets upset and pouts for a bit, that's totally normal. But if they don't talk to you for a week, that's something to reevaluate.
Look at your answers overall, and see if you can spot patterns. A common one involves discipline issues. Sometimes all that's needed, is to reassert yourself as the Dom.
Other patterns you may see involves high emotions, financial, or even legal issues.
Even if you see a few submissive red flags, that can be ok. Many times, it's about communicating with your slave/sub, and creating a more thorough understanding of your relationship.
Because every single dynamic is different, every Dom and sub has different expectations.
Some subs are extremely independent, while others require loads of structure. Neither is wrong--it's simply about understanding what you each need.
So ask yourself, as a BDSM Dom, are you getting everything you want out of your relationship? Do you have to question your sub's integrity, honesty, or loyalty?
Most likely, the answer is you're happy and in a healthy dynamic. And if that's the case, all it takes is some guidance to get back-on-track.
I highly recommend The Little Bondage Shop's Dominance and submissission Rules Workbook & Guide to get your BDSM ducks-in-a-row!
But if it's not, that's ok, too. It simply means you need to think about what you want, and how you can go about getting it. Unfortunately, though, it can mean cutting off your slave/sub.
Of course, that's not always the case. Go over your answers again. When you come across a problem question, ask yourself:
Is the behavior a one-time thing or under special circumstances? If so, you may consider answering it as "no" because it's not an ongoing behavior.
After filtering out for these instances, look for trends again. If you see one that makes you uncomfortable, it's time to sit down with your BDSM sub/slave and be honest about how you feel.
The point of this post is to provide you with some pointers, in keeping yourself safe, sane, and in less pain, when it comes to your BDSM dynamics. Remember these submissive red flags, and you're on the right track.
While identifying a BDSM flag for subs is extremely, be sure to know the signs of red flags in Doms, too!