Submissive Red Flags

BDSM submissive red flags to be aware of, which is less common than Dominant red flags

When it comes to BDSM with consenting adults, most people attribute red flags to the Dom.

In many cases, this is the right thing to do....but not always.

Submissive red flags are often swept under the rug, in the kink community.

Instead of realizing there's a problem when it's too late, this post is designed to teach you about the warning signs to look out for.

( the submissive red flags worksheet here, if you're short on time!)

For those new to D/s dynamics, it's easy to assume a sub sits pretty, and happily responds, "Yes, Sir/Ma'am". Those are both aspects of a submissive's actions, but there's so much more to it, than meets the eye.

Being a submissive isn't simply a role. For some it may be, but a true submissive knows their identity deep in their core. It's literally part of who they are--they have an innate desire to submit to someone.

And that, my friends, is where the similarities end, when it comes to submissives and slaves. There are as many different types-of-subs, as there are types-of-Doms.

We could go over the fun, sweet, and awesome ones. But, that's not what this post is about. Instead we're going to cover the ones you need to watch for...aka the ones with major potential for submissive red flags.

Ready, spaghetti?

Submissive Red Flags Via Types of subs

These are just a few of the examples of submissive red flags and types-of-subs to be aware of.

But, please please please keep in mind, these nasty subs are truly in the minority. As in, there are very few, compared to the number of awesome subs.

Every single sub is unique, and has eclectic, or downright quirky traits. That's what makes them awesome! But, if you have a feeling your sub fits one of these red flags, or you know a sub that does, you should consider reevaluating your relationship with them.

Since it can be hard to look at someone with an unbiased view, use these questions as a starting point, to feel them out.

Answer them honestly--write down your first thought. Then, go back and evaluate the way you answered them.


BDSM Questions for Submissives

  • Does the slave/sub demand expensive gifts, or demand gifts often?
  • Does the slave/sub throw a temper tantrum, whenever they don't get their way?
  • Does the slave/sub demand your attention 24/7, making you feel bad for spending time with other people?
  • Does the slave/sub threaten you in some way, if you say "No"?
  • Does the slave/sub demand attention, even when you say you're too tired or sick?
  • Does the slave/sub overly obsess about their appearance?
  • Does the slave/sub frequently beg for new outfits, toys, or gifts?
  • Does the slave/sub constantly compare you to their previous relationships?
  • Have you ever caught slave/sub in a lie?
  • Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty, for questioning them?
  • Has the slave/sub ever used tears, to sway your actions?
  • Has the slave/sub ever called you ugly, or made fun of your appearance?
  • Has the slave/sub said they don't want to be seen out with you?
  • When you attend an event, does the slave/sub wander off the second you arrive?
  • Has the slave/sub ever told you to "Shut up!"?
  • Has the slave/sub ever yelled or sworn at you?
  • Has the slave/sub ever refused play time, to get back at you for something?
  • Has the slave/sub ever threatened to call the cops on you, or actually called?
  • Has the slave/sub ever made you feel guilty, about asking them to complete housework/chores?
  • Has the slave/sub ever made up stories about you, or told a secret you asked them not to tell?
  • Have you ever had to give up buying yourself something because slave/sub demands a gift?
  • Have you ever felt like slave/sub is hiding something from you?
  • Have you ever arrived home and the slave/sub is gone, only to refuse telling you where they were, when they come back?
  • Have you ever dreaded talking to slave/sub because you didn't want to get into a fight?
  • Have you ever dreaded coming home because of the slave/sub
  • Have you noticed you're more depressed/anxious, since the slave/sub entered your life?
  • Do you feel like things go missing?
  • Have you ever noticed unusual charges on your credit cards/bank accounts?
  • Has the slave/sub ever tried to attack you, or hurt you physically?
  • Has the slave/sub ever demanded to know where you are, or called "just to check in" at a weird time?
  • Have others told you your slave/sub behaved unacceptably?
  • Does your slave/sub often make excuses for not doing something, even if they know it's important?
  • Has the slave/sub ever betrayed your trust?
  • Has the slave/sub ever threatened self-harm or suicide, just to get their way?
  • Does the slave/sub participate in illegal activities; does this include hard drugs?
  • Does the slave/sub often drink themselves to excess?
  • Does the slave/sub ignore you, as a means of punishing you?
  • Does the slave/sub get jealous, when other people are around?
  • Have you ever felt lonely, despite being around your slave/sub?
  • Has the slave/sub refused to speak about their past?
  • Have you ever avoided asking the slave/sub to do something because you'd rather not fight, and can do it yourself?
  • When questioned, does the slave/sub give roundabout, winding answers?
  • Does the slave/sub get upset, if they're not constantly receiving attention?
  • Does the slave/sub spend your money, faster than it comes in?
  • Have you ever second-guessed your relationship?
  • Has the slave/sub ever coerced you into doing something you don't want to do?
  • Has the slave/sub ever made you cross your own limits or boundaries?
  • Does the slave/sub constantly want to keep tabs on you?
  • Did the slave/sub beg you to be their Dom, after knowing you for a super short time?
  • Did the slave/sub start following you around, joining groups your in, and even switching jobs to be closer to you, before you were even officially together?
  • Does the slave/sub ever make you feel uneasy?

These questions are designed to cover a variety of situations and levels-of-severity.

Keep in mind, everything is relative. For example, if a sub gets upset and pouts for a bit, that's totally normal. But if they don't talk to you for a week, that's something to reevaluate.

Look at your answers overall, and see if you can spot patterns. A common one involves discipline issues. Sometimes all that's needed, is to reassert yourself as the Dom.

Other patterns you may see involves high emotions, financial, or even legal issues.

Even if you see a few submissive red flags, that can be ok. Many times, it's about communicating with your slave/sub, and creating a more thorough understanding of your relationship.

Because every single dynamic is different, every Dom and sub has different expectations.

Some subs are extremely independent, while others require loads of structure. Neither is wrong--it's simply about understanding what you each need.

So ask yourself, as a BDSM Dom, are you getting everything you want out of your relationship? Do you have to question your sub's integrity, honesty, or loyalty?

Most likely, the answer is you're happy and in a healthy dynamic. And if that's the case, all it takes is some guidance to get back-on-track. 

I highly recommend The Little Bondage Shop's Dominance and submissission Rules Workbook & Guide to get your BDSM ducks-in-a-row!

But if it's not, that's ok, too. It simply means you need to think about what you want, and how you can go about getting it. Unfortunately, though, it can mean cutting off your slave/sub.

Of course, that's not always the case. Go over your answers again. When you come across a problem question, ask yourself:

Is the behavior a one-time thing or under special circumstances?  If so, you may consider answering it as "no" because it's not an ongoing behavior.

After filtering out for these instances, look for trends again. If you see one that makes you uncomfortable, it's time to sit down with your BDSM sub/slave and be honest about how you feel.

The point of this post is to provide you with some pointers, in keeping yourself safe, sane, and in less pain, when it comes to your BDSM dynamics. Remember these submissive red flags, and you're on the right track.

While identifying a BDSM flag for subs is extremely, be sure to know the signs of red flags in Doms, too!